It's Ok, Master, the Force hates me, too
by Rae of Rosemary
Summary: Just a fun little peice where Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon discuss who the Force hates the most. Guest appearence by shocked Council Members.
1. Tallies and Trolls

In the waterfall meditation garden of the Jedi Temple, a rare occurrence has just occurred: Masters Yoda and Windu had been struck completely speechless. For in front of them, twenty-year-old senior padawan Obi Wan Kenobi and his master, the fifty one year old highly respected Master Qui-Gon Jinn, were currently sprawled out on the grass in their formal robes, not meditating, not even having an in-depth discussion about, perhaps, the formal negotiations they were _supposed _to be in. Oh, no. They were currently marking tallies on pieces of flimsy and arguing over whom the Force hated the most.

Specifically, they were devising a points system so they could determine whom the Force hated the most.

"Alright, so, injuries first. One point for each broken wrist, ankle, finger, toe, or minor fracture. Two points for large breaks, or ones that went un-healed at least one week due to lack of proper healers. Two points for each concussion. What shall we do for blaster shots? Those vary."

"True... Ah, maybe one point for each week spent in the healer's ward because of one, and half a point for ones that got taken care of in less than a week."

"Sure, that sounds fair. Let me think…burns. How about one point for each degree of the burn?"

"Alright, but what size shall we consider a burn? They can cover you from head to foot or be no bigger than a pin prick…"

"True…so, let's say a square half-foot is a burn. If it's smaller than that, we can just add up the degree points and give half for it."

"Fair enough. And basic torture?"

"Hmm…"

"Enough!"

Both Jedi jumped slightly and turned. "Master Yoda?" Obi-Wan said uncertainly. "Is something wrong?"

"Yes!" The little master snapped. "Very wrong, something is! Wrinkling and dirtying your best formal robes, you are, while in negotiations you should be! Why there are you not!"

Qui-Gon shrugged. "We didn't really see the point, Master Yoda." He replied. "If we go, we'll either be blown up, threatened, kidnapped, memory wiped, shot at, yelled at, or we'll screw up through misguided good intentions and end up being reprimanded, yelled at, sent on a dastardly mission resulting in loss of life/limb/sanity, etc, or start a chain of cataclysmic events that will change the world as we know it. So we decided to just stay here and enjoy ourselves for a bit."

"But that happens to you anyway!" Mace protested. "We're Jedi. It's what we're trained to handle."

"Yeah." Agreed Obi-Wan. "But the Force hates us. It happens to us far more often than to any other Jedi."

"We're sick of it." Qui-Gon agreed. "It's starting to be where it's not worth going, even if it does result in us being able to say that we tried and having long, sentimental talks after waking from comas."

"So instead, you decided to just stay here and argue over who the Force hates more?" Master Windu asked.

"Pretty much."

"Using a points system?"

"Can you think of a better way?"

He pretended to think. "Hmm… Maybe you could just meditate for a bit and ask it?"

"Nah." Obi Wan shook his head. "We tried that. It simply said that there was no emotion and asked us why the hell we weren't in place for its ambush."

Mace blinked uncertainly. Obi's face was rather straight, so he couldn't tell if he was joking or not. So he did the safe thing and changed the subject. "So…who does the Force hate more so far?"

"We haven't started tallying points yet." Qui Gon replied. "Would you like to sit down with us? The Force might not hate you as much as us, but it might be fun to see how much it does."

He shrugged. "Sure. But I get an extra five points for having to put up with the damn council all day, every day."

"Alright." They agreed.

"Wait!" Yoda barked.

They looked at him.

"Join you, I will." He said. "Seven-hundred and fifty more years worth of the Force's bull, I have had to deal with. Beat the pants off of you, I can."

"Ha!" laughed Obi-Wan. "As much crap as I've had to put up with? Even your extra years won't defeat me!"

"See about that, we will." Yoda replied cryptically. "Begin, we will!"


	2. The Points Tally

**Points:**

Minor fractures, broken toes, fingers, ankles, and wrists: 1 Point

Large breaks, or breaks un-healed for at least 1 week: 2 Points

Concussions: 2 Points

Each week in healers due to blaster shots: 1 Point

Less than a week in healers due to blaster shot: ½ Point

1st degree burn ½ square foot in size: 1 Point

2nd degree burn ½ square foot in size: 2 points

3rd degree burn ½ square foot in size: 3 points

1st degree burn less than ½ square foot in size: ½ Point

2nd degree burn less than ½ square foot in size: 1 Point

3rd degree burn less than ½ square foot in size: 1 ½ Points

Between 5-20 whip lashings: 2 Points

Between 21-50 whip lashings: 3 Points

Between 51-80 whip lashings: 4 Points

Between 81-120 whip lashings: 5 Points

More than 121 whip lashings: 7 Points

Every drug willingly taken: 1 Point

Every drug forcefully taken: 3 Points

Every explosion you were within fifty feet of at the time: 2 Points

Speeder crashes: 2 Points

Every week spent on life support: 3 Points

Every partial or failed memory wipe: 2 Points

Every succeed memory wipe: 5 points

Every week spent as a slave: 3 Points

Every week spent as a captive with decent treatment: 2 Points

Every week spent as a captive with average treatment: 2 ½ Points

Every week spent as a captive with bad/cruel treatment: 3 Points

Every time a love of your life/close friend/family member got kidnapped: 2 Points

Every time you killed a Sith and lost your master in the process: 1 Point

Every time someone tried to turn you to the Dark Side: 1 Point

Every time someone tried to burn you at the stake: 1 Point

Every time someone tried to drown you: 1 Point

Every time you were knocked unconscious due to blunt force: 1 Point

Basic beating- did not lose consciousness: 1 Point

Beating- did lose consciousness: 2 Points

Every screaming mob that trampled you: 1 Point

Every screaming mob that did trample you: 2 Points

Exceptions and special points:

Master Windu, for putting up with the Council: 5 Points

Obi-Wan, for just being so darn cute: Negative (-) 3 Points

Yoda, for being allowed to hit people: Negative (-) 3 Points

Qui-Gon, for his imposing height, wonderful build, long, luscious chestnut brown hair, amazing grace, extraordinary grasp of the Living Force, utterly hot sensitivity, adorable morning grumpiness, and just in general being a sweet, kind, sensitive, and noble Master: Negative (-) ½ Point

Obi-Wan, for having to put up with his Master's narcissism: 2 Points


	3. In Which We Conclude

For the second time in one day, a rare occurrence has again occurred: Two high ranking Jedi Masters and one senior padawan had been struck speechless while a third high ranking Jedi Master (who was also the second most respected and dignified man of the Order) rolled about on the grass, holding his stomach and laughing his ass off.

"I don't believe it!" Mace Windu hooted. "Out of all of us, I can't believe it! I won!"

"Master Windu, winning is a bad thing." Obi-Wan pointed out respectfully. "It means the Force hates you the most, and considering who you're being compared to…well, that just blows."

"Don't use that word, Padawan." Qui-Gon chastised absently. "I don't get it. How the Sith could he have won? I've been kidnapped, tortured, put into slavery, gone through enough emotional turmoil to make a lesser man cry…"

Obi Wan looked at him with one raised eyebrow.

"Ok, fine." Qui Gon conceded. "I cried too, but you did also, so shut up. But really. All of that, and he wins?" He gestured to Mace, who had managed to get his laughter under control enough for him to at least sit up.

"Hey, don't blame me." Master Windu said cheerfully. "It kinda makes sense, actually. All those times I was stuffed into a locker, made out to be gay because of my 'saber, told I was the biggest dork because of my afro, hated because I was on the Council, got mobbed because the girls thought I was talking about something else when I said I was great with my saber…"

"That's plenty of details for us, Mace." Qui-Gon interrupted.

"Understand, I do not." Yoda said. He looked rather lost, like a puppy whose house had burned down and he couldn't figure out why his favorite chew toy wasn't nearby. "Eight hundred years old, I am. More crap I have put up with than any of you! Fair, it is not."

"Well, you're older than us," Obi-Wan pointed out, "But you're also more powerful. You're good at diffusing situations before they escalate to the point where you get hurt badly enough to warrant any points."

"True, this is." Yoda mused. Obi-Wan grinned triumphantly. "But get you and your Master vacation time, useless flattery will not." He added snappily, seeing this.

Obi-Wan's face fell and he 'harrumphed' quietly, making his master smile. "It's Ok, Padawan." He said consolingly. "At least we know now that even though we've been shot at, tortured, separated, sold in to slavery, injured countless times, the Force still loves us more than Mace." Obi Wan grinned as the smiled slipped a little on Master Windu's face. "Damn." The Councilor muttered. "That really does put it in perspective."

Yoda rolled his eyes as he got to his feet, leaning heavily on his gimer stick. "Dorks, you all are." He told them. "Going home, I am, to make my famous stew, I am. Wish to come with me, do you?"

The three humans exchanged glances. "Um…" started Obi-Wan. "I'd love to, but I have to…go… study…something. Bye!" He shot off across the garden with slightly Force-enhanced speed, narrowly avoiding a collision with a small gaggle of inates. "I have to help him." added Qui-Gon, just as quickly. "Being his Master and all that. Bye!" He ran off behind his apprentice, not being quite as lucky and tripping over one of the inates. Masters Windu and Yoda watched as he fell on his face, got up, turned around, placed the child back on its feet, and gave it a pat on the head before returning to his escape mission. The poor child seemed too confused to cry.

"Coming to dinner, you are." Yoda told Mace bluntly. Mace nodded, having already semi-accepted his fate. They stood together and walked to Yoda's pace out of the garden. Once they were safely past the gaggle of small children, Yoda glanced up at the dark-skinned master. "Cheat, did you?" He asked.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because that weird look, that in your eye is."

Master Windu grinned. "I'll let you believe what you want, but I will say this: if I cheated, then you're a Sith."

Yoda's cackle echoed down the halls.

Oh, my god. 12 reviews. I got 12 reviews! It's sad when that makes me so happy. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and enjoyed the twist. Betcha didn't think he'd win, didja? If anyone's unhappy with the ending, let me know and I'll write an alternate chapter. I'm kind of considering doing it anyway. Anyway, thanks again to: A. NuEvil, Nyruserra, Lady Nightspike, MutantJediBauer, Jonayla of the Zelandonii, The dancing Cavalier, White-Tigers-of-Darkness, mikigm31, and last but not least, one of my first SW loves, Laura of Maychoria. Check her out.


	4. Alternate Ending I

Alternate Ending I:

"Well," said Obi-Wan, sighing dramatically, "I guess it was bound to happen."

"Inevitably." Qui-Gon agreed.

"Unavoidably." Yoda lamented

"Inexorably, inescapably, certainly, and very, very predictably." Mace added. "Now that we have all those synonyms out there, can we stop it with the Munchkin deal of overstating everything? We all knew Obi-Wan was going to win. The kid's a walking magnet for trouble. He blew up the crèche when he was three years old, for Force's sake, and that was just an accident!"

"Hey, now that wasn't entirely my fault." Obi-Wan protested. "Bant was the one who said it would be fun to mix the chemicals together."

"You guys were mixing chemicals at three years old?" Qui-Gon asked disbelievingly.

"Actually, we thought it was different colors of that synthesized muja fruit juice. You know, the powder stuff with that really big stupid talking water bottle for its mascot? Just be glad we were only blown up. We were planning to feed it to all the younger kids cause we thought it'd taste funny."

"Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon protested, sounding scandalized.

"Hey, now, don't yell at him." Mace interrupted. "It's no worse than when we were kids and brought mud pies as a present for the council."

"I remember that." Qui-Gon said, all of a sudden caught up in a burst of nostalgia. "Master Kwii enjoyed those."

"Odd, Master Kwii always was." Yoda agreed. "Remember that day well, do I. Late that night, it was, after left, you had. Disagreed, the council did." Yoda smiled reminiscently. "Wonderful projectiles, those mud pies made. Never thanked you two for them, I have."

Obi-Wan looked at Yoda with eyes that should have stopped being that surprised years ago. "The council throws mud pies?" he asked, feeling much like a child finding out that there was no stork, just 'mummy and daddy hugging in a very special way.' "But…that's wrong!"

"Why wrong, it is?" Yoda asked. "Throw things, you and your friends do."

"Right, but the council is supposed to be dignified!"

"Dignified, I am!" Yoda replied, tapping his gimmer stick into the soft ground decisively. "But old, I am, and do whatever I want, I can!" To prove his point, the aging little troll reached out with the Force and scooped up a good sized mud ball, let it pack itself in mid air, and threw it straight at Obi-Wan. The apprentice's eyes widened and he dodged to the side reflexively, leaving the projectile to slap Qui-Gon straight in the face.

Obi-Wan froze, staring at his Master as he slowly reached up with two fingers and wiped it away from his eyes and mouth, spluttering slightly at the taste. Qui-Gon turned to his padawan, who looked oddly like a wild Roth blinded by the headlights of a slow moving speeder. Mace leaned over to Obi-Wan and whispered out of the corner of his mouth, "Ok. Here's the plan. When I count to three, you run and I'll distract him. Got it?"

Obi-Wan nodded slowly, tensing slightly and adjusting slightly to get his feet under him, acting as though his Master wasn't two feet away and staring right at him. "Three!" Mace barked, giving Obi the slightest push to start him off. This rather backfired as Obi lost his balance and toppled over right into the same mud puddle that Yoda had gotten his ball from. He sat up slowly, spitting mud out and trying (and failing) not to swear in front of his master. "Sithspit!"

Mace snorted with laughter. "Now you two _really_ look like a team." He told them. "Your formal robes covered in mud, your hair messed up…It's great!"

The irate pair both turned and glared at him.

_Think we should nail him, Master?_ Obi-Wan asked through the bond.

_Yep._ Was the short reply, and the two reached out simultaneously with the Force and gathered a mud ball roughly the size of Yoda and dropping it unceremoniously on Mace's head. For a moment, everything was silent. Then, with an utterly un-dignified battle cry, Mace scooped up another handful of mud and hollered "MUD WAR!", flinging it directly into Yoda's face. The other three sprang into action (Except for Yoda, who just kinda hobbled into action) scooping up their own mud balls and throwing them at the nearest available target.

Approximately ten minutes later, a small crowd was gathered a safe twenty or so yards away from the battle, watching in amazement as Yoda force-levitated at least nineteen spinning balls around him while maintaining a shield just large enough to cover him from head to foot. Qui-Gon and Mace had given up throwing mud balls and were engaged in an all-out wrestling match while Obi-Wan ducked and weaved around the entire group, using cheap tricks and battle tactics to nail all three of the Masters.

Masters Depa and Biliba watched in stunned disbelief from the crowd. "I don't believe it." Master Depa said, shaking her head disapprovingly.

"I know." Master Biliba agreed. "How the Sith did that Padawan just nail Master Yoda in the back of the head? Even I wouldn't have been able to make that shot!"

Master Depa rolled her eyes. "Whatever." She muttered, walking away. She could tell now, this was going to be a very long day.

(FINIS)

Ok, I'm not real happy with that ending, but frankly, I'm a bit blocked, and I've kept you guys waiting long enough anyhow. AE I up for you, though!

You remember how happy I was about having 12 reviews? 41 almost put me in a euphorically catatonic state. Thanks to: Jolena, InjuredPelican, Erica Wattson, Cravings, The dancing Cavalier, Froggy, Jedi-Keliam-Kenobi, White-Tigers-of-Darkness, Shadowwolf09, Maethorwen of Atlantis, Allocin, Strider, PeachTao, Lethe2, Celtic Angel18, LilStripedTomato, Tiggy of the Wind, Tokyo Nightingale, mikigm31 and RainyDayz for all the sweet things you said.

And an extra big shout out to: Annmarie Aspasia, Jonayla of the Zelandonii, Laura of Maychoria, Lady Nightspike, larken27, A. NuEvil, JC-Puzzler, The RyRy, and Cravings for your kind words and helpful tips. Love you guys!


	5. Alternate Ending II

All was normal in the Temple. The waterfall was thundering quietly in the background, little inates giggled as their levitation instructor scolded, and Master Yoda danced and cackled insanely as three Jedi looked at him with slightly wary eyes.

Yep, you guessed it. Master Yoda won the pot.

"Hates me, the Force does! Hates me, the Force does!" He sang happily. "Knew there was an explanation, I did!"

"That's not fair!" Obi Wan pouted. "The Force doesn't hate you the most; you've just had more time for it to pile up!"

Yoda whacked him firmly on the shin in response. "Forget, did you, about the mission where died three times, I did? Beat that record, even you have not!"

"You do have to give him credit for that one." Qui Gon acknowledged.

"I still say we didn't give him enough points for having to be resuscitated by a Gungan." Mace agreed.

Obi Wan shuddered, then quickly tried to banish that thought from his mind. "Yeah, so he had a sucky mission." Obi Wan grumped, ignoring his Master's admonition about his language. "That's hardly proof that the Force hates him the most. I mean, he did become the most powerful political leader in the known universe."

Yoda shrugged in agreement. He was, after all. A comfortable silence descended around them and they sat together, just listening to the quiet sounds of life around them.

Unbeknownst to the four, over where the waterfall flowed into the pool, a three-year-old Twelik inate was playing with a pile of small pebbles, levitating them up and dropping them in the pond, watching them splash one after another into the water. One of these pebbles floated down, down, down, and was about to settle on the bottom when a small, yellow fish scooped it up into its mouth, mistaking it for a minnow and shooting down a small side tunnel, intent on bringing it home to the missus. It had exited the tunnel and was part way across the adjoining cavern before realizing that it wasn't, in fact a minnow, and spit it out in disgust.

The pebble landed on a vicious underwater plant named the Hooten Marysnapper, which attacks anything that touches its sensitive feelers. As it began thrashing, trying to find the source of its agitation, it stirred up dust around a nearby prickerpuff, who sneezed and inflated, causing dozens of stinging nettles to pop up on its back. When they popped up, one of them was in the coincidentally perfect position to stab a long, red, rubbery something that lay next to it. This something happened to be a tentacle, one of the many belonging to the Giant Erchud, who lived at the bottom of the lake. Now, everyone knows that the only thing a Giant Erchud is allergic to is prickerpuff poison, and that its most sensitive nerves lay in the tips of its tentacles…such as the spot a prickerpuff quill was now sticking out of. The prickerpuff, realizing what it had done, deflated itself and shot away, deciding that it would go and find a nice hole to hide in.

The Erchud, up until now, had been asleep. It was happy like this. Very happy. Of course, now that it had been awoken in the most unpleasant way possible for an Erchud, it was Not Happy. Very, very Not Happy. Suddenly very motivated to find the source of its pain (and barring that, something to squish) it rose from the lake floor and shot away, aiming for a tunnel it knew led to the surface. There was always something to squish there.

The three Masters (and one Padawan) sat on the surface, blissfully unaware of anything that had just transpired. By this point, Mace and Qui-Gon were in a heated debate about something incomprehensible with vague references to their teenage years, while Yoda watched on, amused, and Obi-Wan took careful blackmail notes on the back of a tally sheet.

Unnoticed behind them, a red hooded eye surfaced from the lake, scouting out the area. Now, it is a little known fact that the only color Erchuds can distinguish clearly is green. Everything else appears to them as a vague blur. For some odd reason, the eye managed to bypass the shock of healthy green grass, skip over the waving green leaves of the trees, avoid the several activated green lightsabers the iniates were working with, and detour around the odd little green puppy piddling on Healer Errata's prize roses, and instead focus on the pea-porridge shade of green that marked the presence of our beloved Master Yoda. The Erchud, deciding that this was as good an object of its' rage as any other, raised one of its long, rubbery tentacles and reached as far as it possibly could, snatching the diminuitive little Master from his seat on the grass, and raising him high in the air for just long enough for the others to see his shocked expression (and for a passer-by to snap a holo-pic).

Qui Gon, Mace, and Oobi Wan couldn't help but stare stupidly at the spot where Master Yoda had just been.

"Well," said Obi-Wan finally. "I guess the Force really does hate him the most."

And they went back to their debate.


	6. Alternate Ending III

"Oh, but the woe! The horror! The travesty! Why have you forsaken me, you whom I have served over countless generations? What have I done? Why do you torture me so? Why is it always…"

"Master, would you put a cork in it? You only won by three points."

Qui-Gon peeked out from under his arm where his head was currently buried, stretched out on his back in a cliché "I'm dying" pose. "That's three points that means the Force hates me more than you, Obi."

"Actually, it wasn't me you beat by three points You had five more than me."

"Mace?"

"Try again."

"Yoda."

"Beat me by twelve and a half points, you did."

"…then who did I beat by three points?"

"That kid."

"Hey."

Qui-Gon turned to see a young…well, a young biped, anyway, with red and black facial tattoos and horns, looking quite relaxed, lounging in black robes with the black hilt of a double-bladed lightsaber clipped to his belt.

"…who are you, exactly?"

"Name's Maul." he replied, extending a hand, which Qui-Gon shook cheerfully. "Good to meet you."

"So…the Force hates you, too?"

"Seems like."

"Ah. Well, no surprise there."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it seems hell-bent on hating everyone else, too."

"Point."

"Yeah…"

"When did you get here, anyway?

"The Force transported me here seventeen and a half minutes ago to play this game while leaving me invisible to you, but with just enough awareness on your part that you would realize you won by three points, thereby asking who beat you by three points, thereby revealing my presence, which was the goal all along."

"…really?"

"Yep."

"…why?"

"Because the Force really does hate you, and asked me to come here and prove it."

"Honestly? The Force hates me that much, that it set this up specifically for this?"

"So it would seem."

"Damn. Well, how are you going to prove it hates me the most?"

"Like this."

Maul cheerfully whipped out his 'saber and sliced Qui-Gon in half. Reacting almost as fast, Obi-wan did the same to Maul.

Silence permeated the garden.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Hey!" Obi-wan noticed suddenly. "That's worth one point! I'm in the lead! Whoo! The Force hates me most, the Force hates me most..."

* * *

Fin

Unless someone wants to see Maul or another character spontaneously show up and win, that's the end. Thanks much for the encouragement, and may the Force be with you (If you think that's wise…).

-Rae


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